T2 Trainspotting can’t make its own spotlight

Screen Shot 2017-05-08 at 9.27.09 AM.pngSo, I just watched T2: Trainspotting.

(Side note: what’s with that title?)

Was it good? Yes. Was it as good as the original Trainspotting? No, of course not. But do we really have to compare the two? Yes, because this is exactly the kind of movie that invites that comparison.

T2 is the most sequelly sequel that ever sequelled. It is not really a movie in its own right, but rather something of an afterword to the original. The first act begins quite independent of its predecessor, and gets progressively more nostalgic as time goes on. And let me be the first to say that I love Trainspotting. If it’s not my absolute favorite movie it’s at least in my top five. So while I was excited to see T2, a movie I’ve been anticipating for years, I also knew not to expect too much lest I be let down. So I will first say that, despite my doubts, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie. It’s well-written, well-acted, with nice cinematography and editing in the way that makes Danny Boyle’s films distinctive and strong. Where the movie goes wrong is depending too much on its parent.

Everything in the world is different, but nothing much has changed for these men. Twenty years after the events of the first Trainspotting, Mark Renton returns to Edinburgh to visit his father and the old friends he once screwed over. Begbie, Sick Boy (though he goes by Simon now), and Spud have all let their lives stagnate in various ways, and each look to Mark’s act of betrayal at the end of the first movie as the main reason why their lives have gone to shit. This is unfair, of course; what Mark did was an absolute dick move but it can’t really be to blame for everything. Begbie was always going to end up in jail whether or not Mark made him that much angrier; Simon would never have used that money well even if Mark hadn’t stolen it; Spud would have stayed an addict even if he didn’t have the extra money Mark left him. Nevertheless, all three men have refused to move on from an event that took place twenty years ago. Mark, meanwhile, made a valiant attempt at a normal life— moving to Amsterdam, kicking heroin, marrying, getting a real job— but recently all of that’s been falling apart so he moves back to Edinburgh to remember all the good times he spent there. Simon and Mark concoct hair-brained scheme to make money and we’re off to the races.

The strongest moments of the film were the moments that didn’t rely too much on reminding us of what a great movie the first one was.

T2 is all about nostalgia, and in some moments that’s done very well. In others it’s not. There’s a point, late in the film, that leaned so heavily on it I can’t not bring it up. It’s a scene where Mark reminisces about going into the first day of kindergarten and sitting down next to an “older” boy who had been held back a few years, who would turn out to be Begbie and his lifelong friend.

This is a completely ridiculous thing to say on multiple levels. First, Robert Carlyle (Begbie’s actor) is a good ten years older than Ewan McGregor (Mark) so that would make him a fifteen-year-old still in kindergarten. Even if you’re generous and say that the character Carlyle is playing is only five years older than Renton, that still makes him a ten-year-old somehow still in kindergarten which is still an upsettingly stupid idea. I’d be more comfortable if Mark had just said that he and Begbie were the same age.

Second, Mark clearly hated Begbie in the first movie, remaining his friend only out of a fear of what Begbie might do otherwise. An attempt such as this to inject emotional depth into a situation is transparent and painful. True, everyone looks at the past through rosy lenses— a lot of this movie is about that— but it’s hard to imagine either man being able to look back fondly on their relationship. That, my friends, is what we call a retcon and it’s a sure sign of a weak story. The reason I’m talking so much about this part is that in a way it’s representative of the whole movie: sweet and well-filmed but excessively nostalgic, and in some ways just not quite right.

But hey, it was fun. If you’ve seen Danny Boyle’s other movies, he’s got this very characteristic fast and rhythmic style  that I think is just really fun to watch— though sometimes with some of the especially wacky shots you get the feeling that if someone were to ask him, “hey Danny Boyle, why did you make the shot this way?” He’d just be like, “I dunno, I thought it was cool.” But they are fun to watch so whatever, right?

You can tell that it was meant to be made 10 years after the original movie, and not 20. Because I can excuse this group of guys not being able to move on from a thing that happened 10 years ago. But 20? that’s kind of unbelievable. That’s like a whole my lifetime. A whole me has happened and they still can’t move on?

It’s hard to reinvigorate excitement for something that a whole generation of people have now grown up not having seen or talked about, at least in the US. I don’t know what the case is for the UK. It doesn’t help that, except for Ewen McGregor, none of these guys have gone on to have wildly successful careers. It feels like T2 is subconsciously  telling the story of its own cast and crew rather, which just feels kind of sad.

Here’s an example: If you haven’t seen the original Trainspotting, the opening scene is really iconic; it’s got Renton and Spud running down a street, pursued by police, with Iggy Pop’s “Lust for Life playing” in the background and there’s this famous monologue that Ewen McGregor gives in voiceover. Unless my memory fails me, T2 made at least four references to that one scene in some way or other, and this feels like too much. It’s time to move one, Danny, and make some new iconic scenes.

T2 Trainspotting rides on the coattails of its predecessor, but there are diminishing returns to that; at some point Boyle and everyone else need to take their own movie’s advice and face the music.

T2 Trainspotting can’t make its own spotlight

What’s iZombie going to do next?

*Note: I actually wrote this several months ago, before the third season of iZombie started. Some of the questions raised in this post have now been answered, but I think there are still things here that are worth discussing.

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With the entrance of early spring comes the moment we wait for all year, that other little thing besides the warmth that keeps us hanging on until the summer: teaser trailers.

Teaser trailers are the absolute worst because they remind us of all the shows we’ve been waiting months and months for, but reveal absolutely nothing. I just watched the teasers for the next seasons of Game of Thrones and iZombie, and came away, as everyone always does, feeling extremely unsatisfied. But the iZombie one did get me thinking about something, and that’s what I’m here to talk about.

iZombie is entering its third season, a milestone which could either  mean the show is still in its nascent stage—as with Buffy the Vampire Slayer— or that it’s showing signs of having run its course— as with Buffy’s lesser-watched spin-off, Angel. This raises a very interesting question about how, exactly, a show is supposed to plan its storyline. There’s a lot to consider there beyond plot, and it’s an especially important question with genre shows like iZombie. So with this discussion, I want to look at two successful series, both made by iZombie’s parent network, the CW—Buffy and Supernatural—in thinking about where iZombie might go next.

Buffy and Supernatural lie on different parts of a spectrum. There’s the “series” end, which Buffy occupies. That’s the type of show that focuses more on episode-to-episode action, rather than longer-ranging arcs. It’s where you find most sitcoms and police procedurals. Then there’s the “serial” end, which focuses more on the longer story arcs, and individual episodes are less differentiated. Game of Thrones and Marvel’s Daredevil lie at the extreme on this end. This is the end that Supernatural lives in.

Now, in truth both series are closer to the center on this issue. They both follow a general “monster of the week” format that belongs at the “series” end while also maintaining larger, more important storylines. In fact, in many ways Buffy more closely resembles a serial in many ways than does Supernatural, since as the show progressed it dropped the “monster of the week” formula in favor of seasonal arc. No, what makes me say that Supernatural belongs on the “serial” end is because for at least the first five seasons the show had a definite plan, a multi-season story arc with a single, focused direction. Buffy always had an open-and-closed, single-season Big Bad with nothing of the previous season’s arc carrying over into the next one.

The reasoning behind each choice is clear. Supernatural was confident that it could last five seasons, so it committed to a complex plot line that could only be resolved in five years. Buffy was constantly afraid of being cancelled, so every year it created an arc that could be resolved in a single season. There are pros and cons to each way. The Buffy way allows for infinite seasons: you can keep on creating open-and-shut season arcs as long as you can keep thinking of them, and you can use this to develop your characters however you want. But it also makes those seasonal arcs a bit shallow, less interesting. It really doesn’t allow for much complexity. By contrast, the Supernatural way allows for infinite complexity (as long as you tie it all up at the end), but with two dangers: first, the danger of being cancelled before the arc is fully completed; second, the danger of being forced to continue on after the arc is completed.

Imagine Game of Thrones being forced to keep putting out seasons after the story had come to a conclusion. Imagine if Danaerys had finally come to Westeros, if the Iron Throne had a new ruler, if the White Walkers were defeated by an as yet-unidentified hero. Imagine an entirely new plotline, haphazardly compiled together, a year after you and everyone else thought it had drawn to a satisfying close. That’s what happened, to a lesser extent, to Supernatural. An arc which had been created in season one, and then identified and drawn out in season two, had reached its climax in season 5 and there came to a close. I am nowhere near Supernatural’s biggest fan, but I will admit that the first five seasons had, at least, a fairly gracefully laid out story arc. And then there was season 6. And just like that, Supernatural, much like one of its main characters, was dragged from the depths of the afterlife to carry on a confused and soulless existence for the rest of time. The show had absolutely nothing to do after the completion of Season 5, nowhere to go. It couldn’t pick up a Buffy-like format and just do monster-of-the-season plotlines: its viewers had become accustomed to longer, more elaborate story arcs, and to do anything else would feel like a letdown. They had to create a new one, unplanned and unwanted, out of thin air. And it shows— the series has become lost and meandering, agreed by all to be worse than its first five years, without a focus or a destination.

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That’s the magic of Buffy— it doesn’t need a destination. A very similar thing happened after Buffy, season 5. The endings of Buffy, season 5 and Supernatural, season 5 were so similar that I can’t tell if the Supernatural one was a ripoff or an homage. Anyways, Buffy was pretty sure it was going to be cancelled after season 5 so they decided to end it with a bang. And then it came back. Unlike Supernatural, though, they could just start back up again with a single-season story arc because it didn’t have the precedent of something more complicated. The downside is that this format can start to feel stale after a while, and the show’s writers may feel the need to keep raising the stakes after each season to ridiculous levels just to keep it feeling fresh. Look at Teen Wolf: in season 1, the villain was a werewolf who was slightly more powerful than the protagonist. In season 5, we’re now at horse-riding ghosts who kidnap and murder entire towns, working towards their goal of destroying the entire world.

On the flip side, the other danger of the Supernatural format is being cancelled before that multi-season storyline is fully completed. Angel is a good example of such a show. The mysteries that had been promised in season 1 were still unfolding during season 5 when Joss Whedon found out the show wouldn’t be renewed. That meant he had to suddenly try and wrap up the series—with all of its promised conclusions– in the half-season that remained. And, in my opinion at least, it shows. The fifth season of Angel is not good television, and the last few episodes are the worst of it.

Now I’m aware this feeling is not shared by everybody. I know several people who prefer the ending of Angel to the ending of Buffy, as the ending of Buffy wraps everything up, for the most part, and with most of its main characters still alive; Angel does the exact opposite. People who like Angel’s conclusion better prefer its “the fight never ends” mentality to Buffy’s “saved the day” mentality. I would respond that the fight will probably end when all the main characters die, which is what happens in Angel. However, I’m writing based on my opinion, which is that season 5 of Angel was crap for the primary reason that it was cancelled before its time. The various seasonal arcs— the prophecy of the vampire with a soul who could become human, whatever Wolfram and Hart actually is— were wrapped up hastily and in a very unsatisfying manner. I’m not saying Angel needed to become a human again for me to be satisfied, but I’d have preferred something a little less sudden and random than what actually happened. For me the ending of Angel was like the ending of The Sopranos: I genuinely thought something had gone wrong with my television when the episode cut to black and the final credits rolled. Surely I must have missed something. I’m all for people trying to experiment with the format of television, but you can’t end a show like Angel, with five years’ worth of mysteries promised to be solved, without some sort of solid conclusion. This isn’t The Lobster or some other indie movie that relishes in not bothering to come up with an ending. This is a television show on the CW and I expect different things.

Bottom line, the Supernatural format is riskier but often has a better payoff than the Buffy format. That’s not to say I think Supernatural is in any way a better show than Buffy; quite the opposite, in fact. But most shows, if they have the time but know when to end, will flourish using the Supernatural format while many shows languish using the Buffy format. It takes quite a lot of skill to make the Buffy format work as a sophisticated show.

So where does iZombie come in? Well, iZombie is about to start its third season, which means it is entering a precarious adolescence that can either mark the beginning of newfound quality, as with Buffy, or hit its peak and commence a downward slide, as with Angel. In the end, it will either be considered one of the earlier seasons or one of the later ones. In both Buffy and Supernatural, which both carried on far beyond their third seasons, it’s considered the earlier part of the show. Buffy is still in high school. Spike isn’t even a main character. Sam and Dean are still hunting Demons-of-the-Week. In Angel, which only made it to Season Five, Season Three saw a bunch of shit go down that drastically altered the rest of the show. Season Three often begins or ends with a noticeable cast turnover, as with Teen Wolf, MisFits, and Glee.

iZombie has put itself in an interesting, I daresay difficult, position: the position of where to go after Season Three. The entire show, up until this point, has been following the Supernatural format: the time in each episode is split between a Murder-of-the-Week and the gradual progression of a very complex, multi-season arc plot: the mystery of how the zombie drug came to be, who is really pulling the strings, and what the final endgame is.

So what happens when that mystery is solved? Conspiracies can only go so deep. In Season One, Liv and the rest of the gang were flying more or less blind, focused on answering the most basic questions that come with zombieism (how many are there? how can they live? etc) and fighting against Blaine, who is a very small-time sort of villain and therefore a good jumping-off point for more impressive villains. Season Two brought us to Max Rager and its sinister lab, and showed us hints at government ties to the zombie epidemic. The final cliff-hanger revealed a cult of zombies apparently intent on transforming Seattle—and then the rest of the world— into a zombie utopia, with brains aplenty.

So the logical next step, as we reach Season Three, would be to further develop the mysteries introduced in Season Two— but can iZombie do that while at the same time neatly setting up for future seasons? In a show that has flourished on deepening the conspiracy with each season it’s unclear what they’re going to do after those depths have been thoroughly plumbed. They’ll have to find a new direction to go with— maybe the zombie wars really will break out. But that’s going to require an immense overhaul of the series, including at some point scrapping the Murder-of-the-Week format iZombie will only let go of when we prie it from its cold, undead hands. Does the show— and The CW— have the capacity to completely change up a series for the sake of continuing a good story? I guess we’ll see.

What’s iZombie going to do next?

Riverdale’s “La Grande Illusion” and the show’s central flaws

Screen Shot 2017-05-08 at 8.21.14 AMWhat happened in this episode of Riverdale? Well, Archie befriended Cheryl in exchange for certain favors from her parents, then realized the Blossom family is evil (a truth already acknowledged about 500 times before) and pulled away, leaving Cheryl angry and out for revenge; Polly, who has been living at Thorn Hill, reveals to Archie that she believes the Blossoms are responsible for Jason’s death, which is the real reason why she’s still there. That’s the main story. In other news, Archie’s dad discovers the identity of his benefactor and Veronica sees firsthand the effects of her father’s misdeeds.

Look. I will be the first to say that something doesn’t have to be Citizen Kane- level quality for you to be able to watch and enjoy it. Something can still pose interesting questions even if it’s not the most sophisticated work of art or doesn’t project some auteurist philosophy. Thus far I have hand-waved those who criticize Riverdale for its somewhat shallow characterizations and aversion to realistic characters and dialogue. Where I draw the watch/don’t watch line, rather, is the point where such shallowness stops being fun and interesting and becomes boring and annoying.

Let’s compare Riverdale to its contemporary, the Netflix original A Series of Unfortunate Events. In many ways, the two shows are similar. Like Riverdale, the Netflix series prioritizes aesthetic over reality, a complex and multi-layered mystery over character development. But A Series of Unfortunate Events embraces its weird and wholly unrealistic characters with a twinkle in its eye, while Riverdale refuses to admit its characters are anything less than real teenagers. I’ve given the show a pass up till this point because, again, the entertainment value has so far overpowered the shallowness. But for me, last week’s episode crossed that line into boring/annoying territory, and I am thoroughly irritated. I am talking, first and foremost, about Archie, who is both the show’s ostensible main character and its weakest link.

 At best, from the point we’re at now, Archie functions as an object of female desire, yet as we have seen he appears to be a failure even at that. I’m just saying, if Val and Archie had to break up, couldn’t it at least have been a little more interesting than that? Val and Archie have so far been nothing if not absurdly functional, yet now it seems as though Val is going to leave the show and our lives as abruptly and randomly as she entered them. Val accuses Archie of “ignoring her” the whole time they have been together, which I haven’t seen any direct evidence of other than the fact that the show itself periodically forgets she exists.

Riverdale has no sense of object permanence; its writing team seems to have the same problem as Guy Pearce in Memento. Things that happened in one episode are forgotten or unquestionably resolved by the following one. The pedophile cellist, despite being set up as hugely important in the first half of the season, is now gone: out of sight, out of mind. The boorish jock Moose has made a sudden reappearance with no mention of his past relationship with Kevin the Gay Best Friend. Jughead is apparently now such a committed boyfriend as to be compelled to attend Betty’s awkward family gatherings, without any buildup to that whatsoever. And where the hell is Josie? No, the show can’t be expected to write all its recurring characters into every episode, but it’s not just that; it genuinely seems to forget about them when they’re not on screen. It is clear that Riverdale’s biggest weakness is the relationships it forces between its characters, and in no case is this clearer than with Archie.

Archie is the Good Guy, the infallible male protagonist who inevitably becomes the least interesting person in the room. But he lacks Harry Potter’s hero complex, Percy Jackson’s irreverence, Luke Skywalker’s temptations. In short, he lacks anything that could make him a watchable character. When confronted with a problem, he figures out the most moral decision within twenty minutes. The Ms. Grundy storyline, though terrible, at the very least introduced Archie as a slightly interesting personality. Now that that’s over, there’s apparently no moral dilemma that he can’t resolve.

The Archie plotline of this episode had potential, as Archie finds himself in the position of being offered riches and success in exchange for friend-pimping himself out to the Blossoms. As his friends remind him several times, the Blossoms are the enemy and Cheryl has never been a friend to them (in so doing disregarding her development of the last several episodes in which she seemed to be growing, but we’ll come back to that later). Archie responds by pointing out that he has nothing against Cheryl and that she says she just wants an ally there (which literally everyone else recognizes as bullshit), and besides, the Blossoms are offering him the chance of a lifetime. What’s the downside? Archie’s stupidity, though intense, is something we’ve all become accustomed to, and so we know that he’ll figure it out by the end of the episode.

In what way have the experiences of this episode affected Archie? In no way whatsoever, even though in its course we saw him ignoring his friend’s warnings and abandoning his values in pursuit of personal gain, letting Cheryl kiss him a surprisingly long time before pulling away, and losing his girlfriend because he was too wrapped up in everything else. Yet he has been given no time to reflect on his moral compromising, or even to mourn his breakup. Doubtless, he will soon forget about Val just as he forgot he ever liked Veronica and Grundy. Archie is actually dumb enough to let himself get pulled into Cheryl’s life, to let her walk up to him and talk to him with their faces mere inches apart, to stand there while she waxes eloquent about how he’s the only person who really knows her, without figuring out that she’s gearing up for a kiss. And then when it does happen, it takes him a moment to figure it out, letting her kiss him for a few seconds before breaking away and asking, surprised, “Cheryl, what are you doing?” as if nobody could have seen this coming. This is because Archie is simply too good to be tempted, or to even understand what temptation is.

What’s even more irritating than all this is the show’s treatment, or mistreatment, of Cheryl, who is shaping up to be that one character who alternates between good and bad from episode to episode without any actual development. It’s fine for her to feel conflicted about her allegiance to her terrible family who continually rejects her, and I’ll accept her going back and forth on this dilemma for a while. But the way she acts towards Archie’s gang plays out like an insufferable game of ping-pong: at one moment she’s inviting Veronica to a slumber party and laying bare her emotional insecurities; at another she’s back to bullying them all with her Vixens. Again, this kind of inconsistency goes from acceptable when the show is still getting off the ground, to unbearable nearing the end of the season. The final scene of this episode shows her furiously scratching out Archie’s face (and Polly’s too, for some reason) on the photo they all took together, crying and vowing revenge. This is an irritating direction for the character, given the fact that she seemed, in general, to be growing closer with Archie’s group. Can the writers please just pick an end point for Cheryl, and then set her on that path? Her constant vacillation is, like Archie’s kiddie-pool character development, starting to get unwatchable for me.

As usual, the show does a better job with the rest of its characters. We have started to see the horrible Alice Cooper turn over a new leaf, which is some nice development even if it’s presented with Riverdale’s customary lack of buildup. The weekly revelations about the Cooper family are always interesting, though with reveal on top of reveal it’s starting to feel like the show has no idea where it’s going with this and is kind of just making this all up as it goes along. Meanwhile, Veronica is brought face-to-face with a family that has been destroyed through her father’s corruption, suggesting, not for the first time, that she is the only character the writers really put effort into. Veronica, Ethel, and Kevin win the prize for strongest and most consistent storyline this week.

Look, I still have faith in Riverdale. I’m still interested in the story, I still like the characters, I still want to know how it turns out. For the most part, the storyline about the abuse Cheryl receives from her parents and extended family is a good one. It’s when Archie is tasked with carrying a storyline himself that the show’s weakest points become noticeable. And this is a real problem: Riverdale is not an ensemble show. It has a small core of important characters, at the center of which a single person lives, and this stems not only from the show’s treatment of that character but also from the place that he has in our culture. And for the central character of a show to be its weakest link is simply unsustainable. Archie should be able to be the main character while still having an interesting personality, while still encountering struggles and temptations and chances or growth. And just because this is a problem that befalls plenty of other stories (Scott McCall in Teen Wolf, Frodo in Lord of the Rings), that doesn’t excuse Riverdale’s laziness. 

Riverdale’s “La Grande Illusion” and the show’s central flaws

Why I kind of like the Star Wars prequels

A couple of nights ago, I got into a loud and vociferous debate with a friend over the Star Wars franchise; specifically our respective orders of the movies from best to worst. Fortunately the subject died before we came to fisticuffs, though not before this friend mentioned his WordPress website in which he rants about movies and television. I was inspired, so I signed up for a WordPress account and started writing. What follows are my incoherent and disorganized thoughts on the Star Wars franchise.

Disclaimer: please understand that I am neither an expert on film, nor on the Star Wars movies. If I get something wrong, please forgive me. If you disagree with my opinion, leave a comment and be nice.

I’m one of those weirdos who never watched Star Wars as a kid; mine is more of a Star Trek family. In fact, I only just finished watching all six movies at the end of my freshman year of college. There are both pros and cons to this childhood deprivation I suffered. The con is that I began my viewing experience already knowing what everyone knows: Luke and Leia are twinsies and Darth Vader is their father. Fortunately, this did not ruin the experience too much. The pro is that, with Star Wars absent from my upbringing, I feel like my viewing experience was a bit more objective. I didn’t have a huge emotional attachment to Star Wars, and thus was able to view them more critically than I think I would have otherwise.

And I did love them, for the most part. The score is easily my favorite part of the series, and the special effects of the original trilogy were breathtaking too. But nothing I can say on either of these topics will be original, having been said countless times before, so I’ll skip over them to other stuff.

Here is one of the things that I simply cannot understand about Star Wars that everyone else seems to get: the plot. It’s treated like it’s this groundbreaking story that changed film forever. And while that is kind of true–it had an enormous impact on both the sci-fi genre and cinema as a whole– it’s also a pretty unoriginal plot. In fact, it’s the perfect example of something called a monomyth, or a “Hero’s Journey.” I have read in more places than one that George Lucas referred to the monomyth idea when he was writing the first Star Wars film, so he literally did create it from a formula.

The Hero is that protagonist who is called to action from his small, boring hometown and embarks on a most exciting adventure aided by his most likely wizened mentor. He usually faces some personal struggle/temptation and emerges from it the victorious Hero. Luke Skywalker fits this archetype to a T, and so, to a lesser extent, does Anakin. We see this story everywhere. An obvious post-Star Wars example is Harry Potter. Another, much shittier example is Transformers. But this idea existed long before George Lucas learned about it. J.R.R. Tolkein and Ursula K. Le Guin both wrote books of the Hero’s Journey nature. Also, an awful lot of people from Greek myths, like Perseus and Theseus. Also, Jesus.  

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The Hero’s Journey story is a comforting sort of plotline, because we know that our Hero is going to overcome all the obstacles temptations thrown at him. We can also trust that the people we care about are probably not going to die, and that the Hero’s side– our side– will be victorious. It’s fun, it’s dramatic, there’s action, and overall it’s a satisfying experience. But at its most formulaic (which I would argue the original Star Wars trilogy is), it doesn’t challenge us. We’re not worried for our heroes when they go into battle. We’re not faced with tough questions or asked to think more deeply about anything. When Luke withstands the temptation of the Dark Side, he does so in a way that perfectly fulfills the Hero’s Journey formula. I feel that, despite its God awful execution, Anakin’s story is still more interesting because at least there’s more tension and uncertainty than there is in Luke’s.

Luke Skywalker is the Bella Swan of the franchise. He’s a good guy who thirsts for adventure, and there really isn’t a lot more to him than that. This makes him the perfect Hero/protagonist, because the audience can step into his shoes with little to no effort. Now they are the ones making the choice between good and evil and choosing good. Now they are the ones saving the day. Han and Leia are more richly characterized, but that also makes them less relatable and therefore not Hero material. Meanwhile Anakin is the character we don’t want to relate to, and not merely because of his questionable writing and portrayal. We don’t want to think about whether we would be seduced by the Dark Side, and Anakin, unlike Luke, makes us doubt whether we really would be able to resist the lure of the Sith Lords.

I don’t mean to speak ill of Star Wars by saying all this– I love the Hero’s Journey storyline, and you can add a lot to it to make it more interesting, as Star Wars does. The beauty of the monomyth is that it transcends time period or culture, which why it’s called the monomyth, the one myth. A single myth translatable across time and space, which Star Wars, being set a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away, fits into perfectly. I just think that the series is not as perfect as everyone seems to think it is. (And by that, I mean the original trilogy. People seem to have quite a bit of criticism for the prequels.)

The original trilogy was objectively better. In almost every way. But I do think it needs the prequels, more so than a lot of people would care to admit. Without the prequels, the originals feel to me like a formulaic film about a formulaic man and his formulaic journey. The prequels add another layer to the story (I’m a fan of the “machete” viewing order, by the way: IV, V, II, III, VI, and just toss I), and we get to see both Luke’s and Anakin’s arcs come to a solid conclusion in Episode VI. Their interwoven stories make for a bittersweet, rather than outright happy, ending that I just don’t think would be the same if we didn’t get to see Anakin’s rise and fall.

Don’t get me wrong, the prequels do mess up certain parts of the originals– midichlorians, anyone?– and to be completely honest part of my arguing all this comes from what I imagine the prequels could have been at their highest potential, of which the actual execution is a pale and confused ghost. So, let that be the grain of salt with which you read my order.

From best to worst (not counting Rogue One or The Force Awakens because it’s still hard for me to rank them alongside what I see as the original six):

Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back: This is just objectively the best movie and I think most people won’t dispute that too much. The sets and scenery (Hoth is gorgeous), the special effects, the music. Some of my favorite scenes in the series are in this film. Anything that features Leia and Han’s extreme sexual tension. Luke’s training with Yoda back before he was ruined by every movie in the prequel trilogy. Luke’s confrontation with Vader and the Big Reveal. Empire Strikes Back is wonderfully grand and operatic. It accomplishes what most second parts of a trilogy fail to do and succeeds as its own movie, rather than just as a build-up to the final one.

Episode IV: A New Hope: This one is really more tied for first with Episode V for because it’s my personal favorite, even if I acknowledge that the former is objectively better. It’s the one I’ve rewatched the most; it’s the one that for whatever reason stirs up the deep emotions for me. That stunning shot of Luke watching the binary sunset while the Force Theme plays is my favorite part of the whole saga. I also love Obi-Wan in both incarnations, and the final battle of him and Darth Vader always brings a tear to my eye.

Episode III: Revenge of the Sith: This one is probably a surprise. Yes, I preferred Revenge of the Sith over Return of the Jedi. This is partly because my expectations were absurdly high for Return of the Jedi  and absurdly low for Revenge of the Sith. I do recognize that Return of the Jedi is in most ways a better film, but that was overshadowed by just how much more I enjoyed watching Revenge of the Sith. I really loved Obi-Wan and Anakin’s bromance and banter in this one; hell, I didn’t even mind Hayden’s acting that much. The final battles of Yoda/Sidious and Anakin/Obi-Wan were fun to watch because of their drama, if not because of their execution. And like I said before, Anakin’s story provides a lot more dramatic tension than Luke’s does. We may already know what will happen to the characters, but how they get there is just as interesting. Anakin finally succumbing to the Dark Side wasn’t a happy moment, and neither was when all the Jedi are killed off. Those were sad moments. I felt sad. Which is really not an emotion that I felt watching the original trilogy, except at Obi-Wan’s death. Revenge of the Sith was a good movie in many ways. For me, watching Anakin’s transformation into Darth Vader was in many ways more interesting and entertaining than most anything Luke did, although part of that entertainment value does come from how sloppy/cheesy the former was in its execution. (and I will say that Luke’s stupid “no” beats out Vader’s much, much stupider “no.”)

Episode VI: Return of the Jedi: I really don’t like watching long battle scenes, It’s just not my thing. Especially when I A) know the characters aren’t going to die or B) don’t care. This is a big problem for me watching Lord of the Rings, and it’s a big problem for a lot of the Star Wars films as well. Return of the Jedi features some of the most prolonged, boring starship battles I have ever zoned out to. I was never worried for anyone’s life except for maybe Lando Calrissian for obvious token race-related reasons. It’s stupidly unrealistic that everyone you care about would come out the other side of a massive, decisive battle unscathed. A lot of other parts this movie felt prolonged and pointless to me, such as the scene at Jabba’s lair and anything having to do with the Ewoks. Nevertheless, it is not without its awesome bits: Luke’s final battle with Vader and Palpatine, followed by Luke and Vader’s one father/son moment. Also Leia is always perfect and I love her and I want to be her. Return of the Jedi, I would say, beats Revenge of the Sith on a lot of points: acting, dialogue, effects. But Revenge of the Sith wins on storyline and entertainment value, and that’s why I put it first.

Episode II: Attack of the Clones: There’s not a whole lot to say about these final two movies that hasn’t already been said before. To me, Attack of the Clones is good-bad: It is a bad movie, and entertaining in its badness. Not unlike Sharknado. I laughed out loud quite a few times during the Anakin/Padmé scenes. I’d probably watch it again if I were heavily under the influence of something.

Episode I: The Phantom Menace: Jar-Jar. Little Anakin. Excruciatingly long pod races. Padmé’s weird doppelganger. Qui-Gon. Phantom Menace is bad-bad: it is a bad movie, and not at all entertaining in its badness. Not unlike The Last Airbender. I hate this movie.

Why I kind of like the Star Wars prequels